healing

i'm burnt out. yes, i have had a couple 3 day weekends here and there. i haven't taken a week off of work since last thanksgiving. that is way too long.



i go through phases here where i wonder if i'm really helping anyone. i work with pancreatic cancer and unknown primary cancers. they both are difficult to fight and we don't have enough knowledge, effective tools (chemotherapy), or people participating in clinical trials to make a significant impact in the overall survival of patients.



i had a healthy patient just this week that had a very small tumor, we treated him with chemotherapy and radiation. he went to surgery and was found to have metastatic disease that wasn't detectable on scans. a surgery coworker and i lamented on our adequateness to heal people as much as we desired.



that sadness, that comes in waves, brings me to this other patient. she has had a really difficult time with treatment for multiple reasons. she called to say that one of her symptoms had significantly improved since adjusting some medications on tuesday. she then continued to say how blessed MD Anderson was to have me and that i not only have a good command of medical knowledge, but also have a presence with people that is unmatched. (i should also add that she and i didn't hit it off right away). it was so sensitive and complementary. it reminded me of why i can come to work everyday to talk about horribly difficult circumstances. i really believe that i am there to meet people just as they are...to help them understand their diagnosis and then to journey with them through treatment, whatever the overall outcome might be.



as medical providers, i believe that we possess a lot of power. power to heal (in some cases). power to provide hope even in a seemingly hopeless situation. regardless of their medical ailments, we can listen to their life stories. we can break bad news with deep compassion and caring. we can celebrate with them with there is a glimmer of good news. i really believe that my job provides emotions on every end of the spectrum...deep joy, earth-shattering grief, raw anger, and limitless anxiety. the best observation is seeing patients find indescribable peace with their cancer.

my job is so emotionally draining, but so amazing!